People keep telling me pregnancy is not

Tonight, swap the key-only deadbolt for a door that lets her out from the inside but tells you the moment she tries to leave — a loud door alarm you can hear from bed, plus a lit path to the bathroom and kitchen — and set one fixed "night routine" tonight so you are not improvising at 2 a.m.

I cannot tell you what is driving this from one night of watching, and this is not a diagnosis or a cure plan; that is her clinician's call. What follows is home-safety and communication only.

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1) What you have tried vs. better alternatives

The pattern to name: most of the time she is leaving to do something — go somewhere familiar, feed someone, pick someone up, or escape discomfort (bathroom, pain, hunger, heat). Ask what she says she is going to do tonight and write it down; that sentence is the best clue you will get.

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2) Constraints / avoid list

• No door, window, or gate that she cannot open from the inside. No chains, no bolts, no wedging, no blocked exit, no locked window she cannot open from the room. Fire safety outranks wandering.
• Keep adult keys on a hook by the door. She does not get keys, and she does not get a key she could lose or hand to a stranger.
• No sedatives, sleeping pills, "calm" antihistamines, herbal powders, or anything bought online to make her sleep or calm her. No changes, additions, or timing changes to her medicines — that is her prescriber's decision, with the full list in front of them.
• No physical restraint, no blocking the doorway with your body, no threats of "you'll go to a home." Threatening the thing she fears escalates exactly the behaviour you are trying to reduce.
• Do not argue with her about whether she is confused. Do not say "you can't go." Say what is true right now and offer the next step (script below).
• Do not leave the stove or a hot pan unattended while she is up, and do not leave her alone in a car, bathroom with a lock you control, or a room with an unlit staircase.
• Do not rely on one device: an alarm, a camera, a tracker, or a neighbour is a layer, never the whole plan.
• A GPS tag or a hidden tracker is not a fix and cannot be set up tonight; if you already own one, use it as a layer, not as the plan.

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3) Red flags — stop the DIY and get clinical or urgent help

Call your local emergency number now if she is not waking or only gasping, has a seizure or repeated jerking, has a fall with a head strike, cannot bear weight, or groin pain/a leg that looks turned, has new chest discomfort or breathlessness, or is found outside at night and is confused, wet, or shivering.

Same-day clinician, not tonight's problem, if: she is newly or suddenly more confused than her normal (this is the one change that most often has a treatable cause and is never just "her dementia"), starts eating or drinking much less or passes much less urine, has pain, constipation, or a burning smell/feeling when weeing, or the night restlessness is clearly worse than last month.

Call your local emergency number now if she is found outside and is not herself, and if she is ever found on the floor — how long she was there matters more than how she looks.

If you are the one in trouble — too tired to hear the alarm, or you realise you cannot supervise safely — that is also a reason to call for help tonight, not a failure.

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4) Decision tree — Sunday evening

• Is she calm and safe right now, and the door opens from inside? → Do the 20-minute checklist below tonight, then the neighbour and clinician message tomorrow morning.
• Has she already left tonight and come back, or is she at the door wanting to go now? → Calm redirect (script below), do not lock her in a room, get a second adult awake if you have one, and move tomorrow's clinician call up to a same-day call.
• Anything in the red-flag list? → Emergency path, not the checklist.
• Is the fire-safety check failing (no free exit from inside, smoke alarm not working, escape route blocked)? → Fix that first, tonight, before anything else. It is one small job.

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5) Tonight's checklist — about 20 minutes, all of it

1. Free exit, right now. Unlock the key-only deadbolt from the inside. If she cannot open the front or back door from inside, that is tonight's first job — a bolt she can open from the inside, or keep that door unlocked until you have one.
2. Test the smoke alarm (the test button) with everyone listening, and confirm the escape route out of the bedroom and hallway is clear. This takes two minutes and it matters more than any door device.
3. Light the path. One lamp or nightlight in the hallway, one in the bathroom, one in the kitchen — she should not have to cross a dark room to find the toilet. Keep the stair light on low all night.
4. Make the door audible. Test the chime from the bedroom with the door shut. If you cannot hear it, add a louder alarm on that door tonight.
5. Set out what she needs to be safe if she does get out: shoes, a coat and hat, and an ID card in her pocket or coat with a relative's phone number and "my mother has dementia, please call" — one card, no brand, no new purchase. A recent photo on the fridge for police if she is missing.
6. Kitchen, food you already have. Fix the same time every night: warm drink without caffeine, a small familiar snack (toast, yoghurt, fruit, whatever she already likes), the bathroom *before* the drink, lights out at the same time. Leave a light on in the kitchen so she does not leave the house looking for food. Offer fluids normally — do not restrict them to prevent night bathroom trips; dehydration causes confusion in older adults.
7. Log 30 seconds: what time she first tried to leave tonight, what she said she was going to do, what she ate and drank. A week of this is the single most useful thing you can bring to the clinician.

Not tonight, and do not let anyone sell you otherwise: a new camera system, a GPS subscription, a special door, a sedative, a supplement. Layer the free things first.

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6) Two scripts you can screenshot

To her at the door, calm and short:
> "It's night now, so it's not safe outside — come in, have your tea, and we'll do it in the morning. I'll walk with you."
Then: offer the drink, sit down with her, redirect to something familiar. If she insists, repeat the same line, same tone, and hand her the tea. Do not add reasons; she will not hold on to them. If she becomes agitated, give space and call the other adult in.

To the sibling or elder nearby — ask for a whole task, not a favour:
> "I've been carrying this alone and I can't do the 10-to-2 shift on top of the school week. Can you take the door side from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. on the nights we agree — sleep there or be on the phone with me and on speaker? You decide how you cover it; I need the alarm and the phone within earshot. Which two nights can you take?"

To the clinic (this week, not a diagnosis request):
> "Since about [date] she gets up at night and tries to leave the house. I need a review: is something medical driving this, and could you look at her medicines and her pain? I also want a written night-safety plan and to ask about a needs assessment and any respite or home safety visit you can arrange."

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7) What success looks like in 24 hours (no cure promised)

Wandering at night usually does not stop this week, and it may never fully stop. Success tonight is much smaller and much more real:

• She is not outside the house unsupervised at any point tonight.
• The door alarm is audible from the bedroom, and she can still open that door from the inside.
• The path to the bathroom is lit, and she was taken to the toilet before lights out.
• You got one defined stretch of sleep (say 10 p.m.–2 a.m. covered by the other adult), and one message has been sent — the sibling's shift or the clinic request.
• One page of notes for the clinician: times, what she said, sleep, intake.

That is a successful day. If tomorrow night is calmer, that is a bonus, not the standard — and if she still tries to leave, tonight's plan is working, because she was heard and held, not trapped.