My child has school anxiety. How do I de

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1. What you tried vs. what works better

You tried: letting avoidance grow without a plan. That wasn't a failure — it was a calm default. The problem is that it has no end point, so each skipped day makes the next one cost more.

2. Decision tree: mental health day, or a day off that feeds avoidance?

Ask in order. Stop at the first "yes."

1. Is there something physical? Fever, tummy, pain, a night of bad sleep, a headache — → it's a sick day. The reason doesn't have to be school. Note the real reason so it doesn't get filed under "anxiety" forever.
2. Does it go past school? Trouble sleeping, not eating, cancelling everything, no contact with friends, constant vague physical complaints → → plan a day off with a counselor contact and a written return date, not a silent one.
3. Has it been 2+ days off in the last 3 weeks, or has the dread been building more than 3 days? → → yes, plan a day, but plan it today, with a date.
4. Can your child name one specific thing — a person, a class, being called on, the hallway? → → that is your target, and a day off won't touch it. Write it down for the counselor.
5. None of the above, and the morning is rough but not escalating? → → go, with a bailout line (see below).

Rule of thumb: a day off *helps* when it has a purpose and an end date. It *feeds avoidance* when it becomes the default, or when the dread is bigger the night before than it was the night before.

What a planned day should contain (each step ≤25 min)

• Same wake time as a school day — this is the one anchor that keeps the week intact.
• One meal at the table with whoever is home.
• One body thing: walk, bike, shower, whatever they'd actually do.
• One thing that isn't about school: a call, a game, a neighbour, 20 minutes of something they choose.
• The return date written on the fridge where your child sees it.

Protect it: don't make it family-wide, and don't stack a lesson, sport or outing on it as a "make up" gesture.

3. Tonight (Sunday) — 25 minutes total

5 min — Park the worry. "Write one thing you're worried about about tomorrow. It goes in the box. We'll look at it tomorrow evening, not tonight." Envelope or folded paper, lid on it.

10 min — Rehearse the morning. Write out the literal first 15 minutes: wake time, breakfast, what you say at the door. Then write two branches: *if he says he can't*, *if he cries*. Have the answers written so you don't have to invent them at 7:30.

5 min — Bag by the door. Uniform, one comfort item, one snack, water bottle. Done tonight.

5 min — One message to the counselor (screenshot this):

> Hi — our child's school worries build up Sunday nights and mornings are the hardest part. School avoidance has been growing and so far we've let it run without a plan. From home we're doing a fixed morning routine, a written return date, and a worry time in the evening. Could we agree on a plan with you? Two things we'd like to know: what does the return-to-school plan look like, and who should we tell if it happens at the gate tomorrow?

Tomorrow morning (5 min): say it once, then don't re-litigate. One check-in, not a running commentary.

Door lines (screenshot)

• Opening: "I know today is hard. We leave at 7:30. I'll walk you to the door."
• If they say "I can't": "I know. You're still going. I'll walk you with you." — then move, don't negotiate.
• If they cry: "You can cry and still get in the car."
• Bailout for later in the day: "If it gets too much, put your hand on your desk and look at the door. Come find me."
• If they ask not to go: "Tell me one thing that would make the morning easier. I'll do that part."

4. Avoid list

• Don't make Sunday night a "we need to talk" conversation.
• Don't make a day off a reward ("behave and you'll stay home Monday") or a punishment.
• Don't add a new activity or lesson to a day off to "make up for it."
• Don't don't-don't: no ultimata, no threats, no "if you don't go, you're grounded."
• Don't re-ask all morning "are you okay? okay? okay?"
• Don't label it. Don't search symptoms at 11pm.
• Don't promise "this will be fine by Friday."
• Don't let a day off pass without naming the day back.
• Don't wait for the counselor to reply before you send — the script is a request, not a report.

5. Red flags — when to stop doing this at home

Get professional help now, not next week:

• Your child says they'd rather be dead, hurts themselves, or talks about harming someone. Stay with them, ask directly, remove anything they could use, and contact your local emergency or crisis service today. Don't leave it until morning.
• They describe something happening to them at school — bullying, something another child did. Tell the school this week.
• Recurring physical symptoms (fainting, vomiting, pain) on school mornings with no medical cause, or symptoms that don't improve after 2–3 weeks of consistent routine plus counselor involvement, or that are getting worse — withdrawn from all friends, not sleeping, not eating.
• You are at the end of your rope, or the rest of the household has stopped coping. Caregiver collapse is a reason to ask for help, not a reason to be embarrassed.
• Any sign of harm at home or on the way to school — prioritise a safe adult and outside help over any school conversation.

If there's immediate danger or an injury, call your local emergency number now.

What "success" looks like in 24 hours

Not a cure — just these five, and any three is a good night:

1. The Sunday-night dread didn't spiral into a 3am panic.
2. One message sent to the counselor, with a reply or a time set.
3. A bag packed and a door line you can say out loud without bargaining.
4. Your child says one true thing about school, out loud, to you.
5. You ate and you slept. The caregiver's load is part of the plan, not outside it.

Two honest limits: I can't tell you what's causing this, and no routine fixes school anxiety on its own — the counselor plan is the part that actually moves it. What the home can do is make the mornings survivable and keep the week from breaking shape.