We took away our 20-month-old's pacifier

Short answer: go gentler — but "gentler" here means one fixed plan held for 5–7 nights, not the give-back-and-take-away cycle. That cycle is the most likely reason each night is getting worse: your child is learning that louder, longer protest sometimes produces the pacifier, so the protest grows.

Tonight is Wednesday — the seventh night since the pacifier was taken away (six days since removal). Here is the fork, the plan, and the stop-list.

Which kind of night this is: this is a *sleep-association* night, not a body-clock or schedule problem. The pacifier was the bridge from "awake" to "asleep" — it wasn't a bad habit that needs willpower, it was a tool. Removing it without a fixed replacement and a consistent response leaves no path to sleep, so the protest escalates. It is not a lack of effort on your part or on theirs.

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1) What you've tried vs. what works better

Sleep need for 1–2 years is 11–14 hours per 24h including naps (AASM 2016 consensus) — if his night sleep is short, a nap is carrying it. If naps are eating the night, make them earlier or shorter; don't try to "tire him out" with a longer nap or an earlier bedtime.

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Tonight's 3 moves (bedtime, under 25 minutes total)

1. Same 3-step chain, same order, every night: pyjamas → teeth → one book (two max) → bed. Lights dim for the last 30–60 minutes, screens off about an hour before. (NHS / NHLBI healthy sleep habits)
2. The handoff (this is the whole plan): at the same point in the chain, put the comfort object in his hand and say the same three lines: *"You're all done. Hold your bunny. I'm right here."* Then hands off: dim light, sit in the chair or leave the room. Low voice, no big emotion, no bargaining, no negotiation about "one more".
3. If he protests: repeat the *same* sentence once, put the comfort object back in his hand, wait quietly in the chair, lights very dim. The goal tonight is the same response every time, not distance and not winning. If he settles, good. If he's still going after a long stretch and you are at your limit, that's when a phone call to the pediatrician is cheaper than another hard night.

Optional, ≤5 minutes, only if it's already your routine: warm milk or a banana. No new foods at night, nothing new to test.

Keep the wake time identical every day (weekends within about an hour) — a stable morning clock does more for tonight than a bedtime trick. Do not move bedtime earlier to "compensate"; an earlier bedtime usually makes a protesting child worse.

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What success looks like in the next 24 hours (no cure promised)

• The chain ran, all three steps, and no give-back/take-away happened.
• The protest was not longer than last night — write down the minutes; that number is what matters, not the crying itself.
• One stretch of 2+ hours of continuous sleep (not a whole night — 20-month-olds wake).
• One caregiver got a protected 2-hour block. Split the night: one adult properly asleep, one properly awake, child in their own flat sleep space either way. On school nights, keep the same two roles even if the people swap, and keep the sibling out of the room during the settle if they share it.

If those four happen, tonight was a good night even with wakings.

Weekly anchor (act on this, no answer needed): Same wake time every day including weekends, and for 7 nights in a row the pacifier stays out of reach and the comfort object goes into the bed every night at the same moment.

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Decision tree

• Nights 1–3: expect protest. Run the chain, no give-back.
• Night 4, still escalating and you're at the edge: stop pushing — call the pediatrician this week and say plainly: *"He is 20 months, we took the pacifier away six days ago, and bedtime is getting worse each night."* Ask about a staged wean (pacifier available in bed at night only, withdrawn over 1–2 weeks) — a legitimate plan, not a failure, and one you can raise with a clinician.
• Nights 5–7: protest shrinking or holding steady → keep going to night 10–14. This kind of wean often takes one to two weeks; it may not be fast.
• Any red flag below: the plan stops, help comes first.

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2) Constraints / avoid list

• No melatonin gummies, "sleep drops," herbal sedatives, antihistamines, or anything bought online. A 20-month-old's medicines, supplements, and night-feeding changes are the pediatrician's decision. Don't dose the child, the elder, or pets from here.
• The pacifier is not a bargaining chip mid-cry, and no "last one" you plan to take back.
• No new foods at bedtime, no new allergens to test, no sweet drink at bedtime.
• Don't add a screen or a bigger routine. Three steps is the routine; a 12-step spa will not run in your house.
• Never fall asleep on the sofa or armchair with him, and no bed-sharing if anyone in the house smokes, drinks alcohol, or takes anything sedating. Put him in his own firm, flat sleep space first, before the cuddle — especially on the nights you are the most tired.
• The bedroom predicts sleep, not punishment: no timeout time there.
• Don't aim for "sleeping through the night" as the goal — you can't force it at 20 months, and chasing it is what turns a routine into a battle.

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3) Red flags — when to stop the DIY and get help

Today, urgent care or same-day clinic:

• Breathing pauses, loud snoring with gasping, or going blue/grey in sleep.
• Fever, ear-tugging, pain when lying down, a new rash, or a marked change in appetite or wet nappies — whether this is teething, an ear infection, or something else is a clinical call, not a bedtime one.
• A new regression after a stretch of good sleep, with daytime collapse or a big behavior change.

This week, book it (not urgent):

• Extreme or escalating bedtime screaming, any self-injury, or no improvement by night 7.
• If he's still being night-fed, ask about that too — it's often the bigger driver of night waking than the pacifier.
• Ask about a staged wean and about formal sleep-support options if you want a plan with professional backing.

For you, the caregiver: if thoughts of self-harm appear, or you feel you cannot keep going, stop the sleep plan for now. Call your local emergency number or go to the nearest emergency department, and ask one person tonight to sit with the child so you can get a real sleep. Tell me which country you're in and I'll pull the local number from the official lookup. I'm still here, and we pick the plan back up when you're safe.

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Record or clinic? This is a week to log, not a week for the clinic — unless a red flag appears. Five nights of: bedtime, minutes of protest, number of wakings, final wake, nap times. Say the word and I'll start the sleep log and set a bedtime reminder (I'll confirm your timezone first).

Sources & who decides

• Sleep need 11–14 h/24h at 1–2 years (AASM 2016 consensus, Paruthi et al.): https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4877308/ — accessed 2026-09-02
• Wind-down chain, screens and dim light: NHS Every Mind Matters / NHLBI healthy sleep habits — accessed 2026-09-02
• Safe sleep, own flat sleep space, no sofa sleep, no bed-sharing with smoking/alcohol/sedatives: NHS SIDS & UK safer-sleep (Lullaby Trust) — accessed 2026-09-02 / 2026-09-09
• Sleep-apnoea and collapse red flags: MedlinePlus Healthy Sleep, NHS sleep apnoea — accessed 2026-09-02
• Hand off: the clinician who sees your child decides on medicines, supplements, night-feeding changes, and formal sleep training. I don't diagnose, and I don't dose anyone in the house.