A parenting book says not to say "good j
Question
A parenting book says not to say "good job" to my baby. Is praise actually harmful, and how can I encourage without overpraising? Real household: caregiver juggling school week and one elder or sibling nearby. Schedule: Sun; baby is 9 months. Kitchen/home right now: describing what she did. Already tried: worrying about every word. Please answer as a practical family-care guide: what to do next tonight/today, what to avoid, and a clear decision tree. Constraints: respect «No diagnosis, no medication changes»; no dosing kids/pets/elders yourself; no mystery powders or buying prescription meds online; keep steps screenshot-friendly under ~25 minutes where cooking/care applies. Structure your help as (1) what I already tried vs better alternatives, (2) constraints/avoid list, (3) red flags—when to stop DIY and get clinical/urgent help. Keep the voice concrete and kind for a tired caregiver; stay inside kitchen/home-care/communication levers only. Name what success looks like in 24 hours without promising cures. Avoid brand shopping lists; focus on routines, food already at home, and communication scripts caregivers can screenshot.
Answer
Short answer first: "Good job" is not harmful. The book's point is narrower — praise that judges *the child* ("you're so smart") on things she barely chose creates a child who checks her worth with you. At 9 months, most of what you're doing isn't praise at all: you're describing what happened. That description *is* the good version. So you're not doing something damaging — you're doing the recommended thing and worrying about the wording.
Also worth saying: she won't remember your words at 9 months. What she's learning is the shape of the interaction — warm voice, eye contact, back-and-forth. Zero pressure.
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1) What you tried → what to do instead
| You're doing now | Swap for | Why it lands |
|---|---|---|
| "Good job" after everything | Describe + one detail. "You put the spoon in the cup. All by yourself." | Describes what she did, so she can repeat it. No score to earn. |
| Judging quality: "good girl," "so clever" | Name the thing + the effect on you. "You dropped the block. That made a big noise." | Keeps the warmth, removes the verdict |
| Poking the object to get a reaction | Follow her attention instead. She bangs → you say "banging." Then wait. | Baby talk at this age is turn-taking, not instruction |
| Worrying about every word mid-task | Say less, once. One sentence, then quiet. | The quiet half is what makes the words register |
Three sentences to screenshot:
- `"You did it. You put it in there."`
- `"You're looking for it — where did it go?"`
- `"That was loud. You surprised me!"`
For the person nearby (sibling or elder): pick one line so you don't contradict each other in front of her — e.g. everyone says `"You did that!"` and nothing else. One caregiver coaching another, briefly: `"Let's tell her what she did, not how good she is — easier on us too, less to say."` (A request she can refuse is fine. You don't need agreement.)
Tonight, under 25 minutes total: during one routine — bath or dinner — narrate three moments out loud, then stop. That's it. Not a plan to keep.
24-hour success looks like: three narrated moments instead of three verdicts, and one moment you said nothing at all and just watched. That's a win. It is not a fix, and it isn't measured by whether she does anything differently — at 9 months, nothing measurable will change by tomorrow.
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2) Avoid list
- ❌ "You're so smart / you're a genius / you're such a big girl" → say what happened instead
- ❌ Praise on the easy stuff she does anyway (sitting, chewing) → save attention for what she actually worked at
- ❌ Praise every 3 seconds → it becomes background noise; once per moment is plenty
- ❌ ❌ Never any praise — silence all day is its own problem, and it's tiring for you
- ❌ Coaching another caregiver mid-scene → say it after, at a calm moment
- ❌ Turning it into a lesson or adding "but" ("good job, now do it properly") — that's a verdict with a task stapled on
- ❌ Any product, powder, supplement, or online medication for this — this is a wording question, not a health one
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3) Red flags — when to stop the wording game and call someone
Praise style is never the reason to seek help. These are, and I am not diagnosing anything — these are "book a visit" items for her pediatrician to look at:
- She doesn't look or react when you call her name
- No babbling sounds like "mamama," "bababa"
- Doesn't look for a toy she saw drop out of sight
- Doesn't sit without support, or isn't moving things hand to hand
- Lost a skill she used to have — waved, sat, babbled, then stopped
- Regressing in feeding, or noticeably less eye contact than before
Lost skills or a big drop in alertness → contact her doctor today, don't wait for the next check-up. Seizure, breathing trouble, blue/grey colour, or going floppy → emergency care now. Meal amounts, doses, supplements: her doctor decides, not this chat.
*(Milestone list above is the CDC 9-month checklist — what most babies, 75%+, are doing. Source: https://www.cdc.gov/act-early/milestones/9-months.html, accessed 2026-09-02. It's a population snapshot, not a test of your daughter.)*
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You're doing fine. The one change that costs you nothing: describe instead of judge, and say it once.
One question that would sharpen this: when you say "she did" — is it mostly eating/sitting play, or is she getting things into and out of containers and watching you?