My 4-year-old son keeps hitting his 6-mo
Ask
My 4-year-old son keeps hitting his 6-month-old baby sister, especially whenever I sit down to nurse her.
My husband's reaction is to yell and drag him to his room for a time-out, which immediately escalates into screaming, kicking the door, and even more resentment toward the baby.
I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and completely torn.
Could you give me:
1. The exact speakable line to say to my 4-year-old in the moment he raises his hand or hits?
2. The exact line to say to my husband tonight after the kids are asleep so we stop escalating this cycle?
3. One concrete boundary setup we can do tomorrow during nursing?
Answer
I'll read the relevant skill cards before drafting. Let me pull the judgment card and the two landing cards this turn touches.
The split is real, and you can hold both sides. Here are the three.
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**1. To your 4-year-old, the moment he raises a hand or hits:**
Say it low and steady, hands on if you need to move him:
"Hands are not for hitting baby. Come sit right here. You hold the book while I feed her."
If he doesn't move: "I'm moving you. Hands are not for hitting."
Why this shape: stop, name, one job. The job gives him a place in the nursing scene instead of outside it. Yells and rooms come from running out of moves; a job gives him one.
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**2. To your husband tonight, after the kids are asleep:**
Say it once, no preamble:
"I know we both want her safe. When he hits, can I take the lead for a week? Sunday we look at it together."
If he pushes back: "Same ask. One week. Sunday."
The ask is one thing: you handle the hitting for seven days. Sunday is the check-in, not tonight — keeps it from becoming a fight about parenting style mid-week.
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**3. The setup for tomorrow's nursing time:**
Build it *before* you sit down. Three pieces, ninety seconds:
- **His spot** — a cushion or stool on the side away from baby, where he can see you but can't reach her. Not next to the nursing chair.
- **His job** — burp cloth, the book you'll read after, or "count baby's kicks." One object, named out loud: *"This is your job while I feed her."*
- **Two-minute fill-up first** — on the floor with just him, two minutes. Then: *"I'm going to feed her now. I'll tell you when I'm done."*
You run the scene. If he moves toward baby, line #1 and move him back to his spot. Same sentence, every time.
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One honest limit: the husband line works best if he's also tired of the cycle. If he's dug in about the room-as-discipline, the conversation may need a second round — not a longer one.