My in-laws visit our 6-week-old every we

Send one standing-window message today, before Sunday — and measure success by whether the window holds, not by whether the visit feels warm. "I understand you're trying to help" and "I'm exhausted" can both be true; only one of them needs their agreement.

1) What you tried vs. what works better

Ignoring messages made it your problem alone: no rule was ever stated, so every visit is a fresh negotiation you lose, and silence reads as permission rather than refusal.

Better: convert a weekly drop-in into a standing appointment. One written note, one window, one end time, sent while you're calm — then the same sentence every time. You're not asking them to change; you're stating what your house does now.

Scripts (screenshot these — fill in your real names and times)

A. The standing window — send today, in the group chat or to whoever coordinates
> "Quick change to Sunday visits: we can do Sunday [3:00–4:00 pm] only, and it would mean a lot if you came inside that window. If another time doesn't work, we won't be able to see you that day — I'm running on empty with [baby] at six weeks. Same time next Sunday suits us fine."

B. If they reply with pushback (earlier/later/other day)
> "This week our one window is Sunday [3–4 pm]. Another day is hard for us right now — if it doesn't work, we'll skip it and catch up next Sunday."

C. Align your partner first — send this to them, not to the in-laws
> "I want to keep Sunday visits to [3–4 pm]. If [name] calls or messages, can we both say the same thing — that's our one window this week? I'd rather we say it once than explain it twice."

D. They show up outside the window — at the door
> "Come in for a quick hello — we can do about 20 minutes. After that I need to get [baby] settled for a nap, so we'll stop there. Let's catch up another time."

E. Hand the door to the relative who lives nearby
> "Could you be the one to open the door and say we're free until [4 pm]? It's easier coming from you than from us."

F. They offer to feed or carry the baby
> "You can hold [baby] for a few minutes while I eat — feeding I'll do myself, thanks."

G. Guilt line ("we're only trying to help")
> "I know it's meant well. The short visit isn't about you — it's about me being able to keep going this week. Same Sunday, same time."

H. If they won't leave
> "I'm going to ask you to leave now. We'll talk about visits another time, not right now."

I. The nearby elder or sibling as buffer — ask them directly
> "Would you mind being the one who greets them and says we're only free until [4 pm]? If it comes from you I don't have to be the one who says no."

2) Constraints and the avoid list

Kitchen and home tonight — 25 minutes max, items already at home

• One basket by the door (nappies, wipes, a spare outfit, burp cloth, muslin): a short visit can then end without a cleanup spiral.
• One nap spot away from the visitor room (your bedroom): "nap" becomes a real, visible end signal instead of a vague "she's tired."
• One plate for yourself, made before they arrive (leftovers, rice and egg, a simple soup): the visit should cost you nothing to feed. Keep water and a simple snack for visitors so they don't hover in the kitchen for forty minutes.
• Two protected blocks on the school-week days (e.g. the school-run transition, one nap window): phone silent, door closed, no exceptions. Ask the nearby relative to cover one of them — a fixed 30-minute window for the school run is easier for them to say yes to than "can you help sometimes."
• Write the Sunday window on the fridge, so the elder, the sibling, the school-week caregiver and your partner all say the same thing.

Avoid

• Don't list past grievances or say "you never help." One window, no history.
• Don't negotiate inside the message that sets the window (Script A is the window; Script B is the answer to pushback).
• Don't send it at 10 pm the night before out of anger; daytime, calm, then leave it alone.
• Don't hold the boundary conversation at the door in front of a six-week-old.
• Don't use the baby as leverage ("the doctor said") — say it in your own voice: it's your capacity.
• Don't let a well-meaning relative feed, give water, herbal tea, honey, or anything by mouth to a six-week-old, or change formula, feeds, or medicines on a visitor's advice. That's a clinician-and-label question, and it's outside what you should be adjusting on your own.
• Don't offer a longer visit next time to smooth over the end of this one.
• Don't spend the whole visit hosting — the point of a short visit is that you get something back too.

3) Decision tree

1. Is anyone yelling or insulting right now? → Don't negotiate in the heat. Reply later: *"I'd rather talk about this when we're all calm — can I message you [tomorrow morning]?"* Only commit to a time you can actually keep.
2. Has the standing-window message gone out today? No → send Script A now, to the person who actually coordinates. Don't wait for Sunday morning.
3. Did they push back? → Script B, same window, one reason, no new bargaining. If they push the same pushback twice, stop replying; the door script handles it.
4. Did they agree, or is it quiet? → Window on the fridge; brief the elder/sibling and your partner with the same words; protect your two blocks.
5. They arrived outside the window → Script D at the door; end at the promised time; your partner doesn't negotiate alone.
6. They stayed past the end or got upset → Don't apologise for the boundary and don't extend the visit as a peace offering. Note what happened and repeat the window.
7. Two Sundays of this and it still doesn't hold → Decide together, in advance, what you will actually do: the nearby relative greets at the door; or you say the visit is postponed until a time you can hold. A consequence you can keep beats a boundary you can't.
8. Any red flag below → Stop the boundary work. Clinical help comes first.

4) Red flags — when to stop DIY and get help

These are thresholds for getting seen, not diagnoses.

Baby, six weeks old — same-day clinician, or emergency department now if severe

• Any temperature 38.0°C / 100.4°F or above in a baby under three months → same-day medical contact; don't wait to see if it settles.
• Misses several feeds in a row, or noticeably fewer wet nappies than usual (fewer than roughly six in 24 hours).
• Hard to wake, floppy, unusually sleepy, or a clear change in cry.
• Fast or laboured breathing, grunting, blue or grey colour around the lips.
• Repeated vomiting, green vomit, or blood in the stool.
• A new rash together with fever, or a rash that doesn't fade when you press it.
• A bulging soft spot, a rapidly swelling head, or a bulging eye.
• No weight gain or not back to birth weight by around two weeks; jaundice spreading to the arms and legs, or worsening after day five.
• A seizure, or brief collapse or loss of consciousness → emergency now.

You

• If you feel you might lose control, or you have thoughts of harming yourself or the baby → this is not a scheduling problem. Put the baby in the cot, go to another adult, and call your local emergency number now or go to the nearest emergency department — don't stay alone with the baby in that state, and don't drive yourself.
• Persistent hopelessness, numbness, or frightening intrusive thoughts → contact your own doctor or midwife this week and tell one person you trust. Six-week sleep deprivation is real and treatable.

Tell me your country or city and I'll look up the right local emergency number and children's emergency department for you.

Success in 24 hours

• The message is sent today, in writing, with a window and an end time.
• Your partner, the elder and the sibling nearby all know the same rule in the same words.
• Sunday's visit happens inside the window and ends at the promised time — even if it's short or a bit stiff. That is the win.
• You get one uninterrupted 60–90 minute block and one stretch of the night where you're not the only one holding the baby.
• If the window doesn't hold, you already have the next sentence — so tomorrow you're not improvising while exhausted.

Tell me which language your in-laws actually read and I'll give you these six scripts in that language, and a one-screen checklist for the fridge.