Every time I go out, my partner says our

Short answer: at 3 months, crying with one parent is usually a routine mismatch — feeding, gas, overstimulation, tiredness — not a sign that she doesn't want him, and separation anxiety hasn't started yet. What you've been doing (stepping in the moment she fusses) is the one thing that guarantees he never gets the practice, so tonight's job is to build one shared 4-step settling routine and hand him a fixed block with a defined exit, not a free-for-all handover.

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1) What you've tried vs. better alternatives

Tried: taking over the moment she fusses.
Why it backfires: every fuss ends with you, so (a) he never learns the sequence, (b) she learns "escalate → mum appears", and (c) he reads it as "she prefers me" — which is the belief you need to dismantle first.

Better alternative — 4 changes, in this order:

Also worth adding to his toolkit (things he can practise without you):

• A 10-minute warm-up during a calm window (not at 9pm) — holding her against his chest in a shirt, or just sitting close. It raises his tolerance for crying, which is a real skill.
• Feed first, soothe second — if her last feed was longer ago than her usual gap, feed before you try any calming moves. A soothing attempt on a hungry baby doesn't fail; it's just mistimed.
• After-feed sequence: burp → hold upright a bit → change → back to bed. Same order every time, from both of you.
• A "relief check" message instead of hovering (script below).

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Tonight's plan — about 20 minutes of actual work (Wed, before your next evening out)

1 · 5 min — set the station. Before the block, he lays out: fresh diaper + wipes, burp cloth, swaddle blanket, water for himself, phone charged on the table, room dimmed, white noise started low. Everything within arm's reach, so he never leaves her to fetch something.

2 · 3 min — write the settle sheet (below) and tape it where he can read it standing up. Add her cues to the log you're already keeping.

3 · 10 min — one practice run at a low-stress hour. Not a crisis moment. He runs the 4 steps through one fuss, and writes down which step broke it.

4 · 2 min — send the relief message to the elder/sibling for the next block.

The settle sheet (screenshot this):

```
CUE → then do:

1. FEED (if longer than her usual gap since last feed)
2. BODY burp · upright hold · change diaper
3. CALM dim room · steady low white noise · shush near her ear
4. SETTLE swaddle if no sign of rolling → side hold → slow sway → back on her back in the cot

NOT WORKING? → 10 minutes, then call for relief. Relief is the plan, not a failure.
```

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Decision tree: she starts crying

```
Crying starts
│
├─ Any red flag below (fever, breathing, floppy, non-blanching rash, green vomit, no wet nappies)?
│ → STOP the routine. Clinical/urgent care now.
│
├─ Long since her last feed / hungry signs (rooting, smacking, hands to mouth)?
│ → Feed. Don't soothe first.
│
├─ Just fed, fussing with legs drawn up, squirming, arching, gurgling?
│ → Burp · upright hold · belly-on-your-chest · gentle bicycle legs. (Gripe water, powders, meds: no.)
│
├─ Yawning, glazed, jerky movements, going quiet, tense (overtired)?
│ → Dim · white noise · shush · slow sway · hand on chest. Fewer people, less talking.
│
├─ Stiffening, hands to face, hiccups, red face, turned-away head (overstimulated)?
│ → Change room · dark · one voice · minimal handling · skin-to-skin or hold still.
│
├─ Settled in all 4 steps? → put her on her BACK in her own cot, empty space, and step out.
│
└─ Still escalating at 10 minutes?
→ Call for relief (planned handover). Write it in the log. Reset, don't escalate.
```

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2) Avoid list (the constraints that actually matter)

• No sleeping positions but on her back, in her own flat firm cot/bassinet, empty space — no pillows, no loose blankets, no bumpers, no sofa, no adult bed, no car seat, no inclined sleepers or positioners, no weighted sleep sack or weighted swaddle. Never leave her alone on a bed or sofa, even briefly.
• Swaddle only while she shows no sign of rolling, hips bent, chest not tight — and stop the day the first roll appears.
• White noise steady and low (no louder than a normal talking voice), in the room but not at her ear.
• No "cry it out" as a plan at this age, and no long unattended crying sessions — she's too young for that and it doesn't teach settling anyway.
• Don't keep feeding to stop crying — extra feeds beyond her usual rhythm mostly buy gas.
• No new medicines, drops, syrups, teas, powders or supplements for either her or her; don't change anything the baby's doctor prescribed; don't buy prescription medicines online. Anything you'd consider giving her goes to her doctor first.
• Don't hover in the doorway, don't add people, don't talk over the white noise.
• Don't treat his frustration as the problem. If he's at his limit, that's a handover trigger, not a failing.

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Scripts to screenshot

To your partner (send tonight — validate, frame, one request):
> "I know it's hard when she's fussing with you. At 3 months it isn't that she doesn't want you — it's usually a feeding or tiredness thing, and the fix is one routine we both run the same way, not you doing it better. Tonight I'm writing our 4 steps on the fridge, and I want you to run them start to finish for 30 minutes while I stay out of the room. If she's still going after 10 minutes, you call me — that's the plan, not a fail."

From him to you (the relief check — this replaces hovering):
> "Fussing for 8 min. Doing steps 3 and 4 now. Do you want me to keep going or swap you in?"

To the elder or sibling nearby:
> "Could you take the dishes and bottles for half an hour tonight? I need to be hands-free with the baby."

Log line after each attempt (one row, 10 seconds):
> "19:40 — hungry? no · step 3 helped · 12 min to settle"

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3) Red flags — stop the DIY and get clinical/urgent help

Go to emergency care now (call your local emergency number):

• Difficulty breathing: grunting, sucking in between or under the ribs, fast or laboured breathing, blue or grey lips, or pauses in breathing.
• Floppy, limp, unusually hard to wake, or only moves when stimulated; a fit/seizure.
• A rash with red or purple spots that don't fade when you press a clear glass firmly on them.
• Very few or no wet nappies, sunken eyes or fontanelle, cold hands and feet, pale or blotchy skin, a weak or high-pitched moaning cry.
• Green (bile) vomit, or repeated vomiting with a sudden severe pain episode, or blood in the stool.
• A cry that is suddenly much louder or different in character, with any of the above.

Same-day medical contact (not "wait and see"):

• A temperature of 38°C / 100.4°F or higher — or below 36°C / 96.8°F — in a baby under 3 months. A normal temperature does not rule out serious infection at this age; treat "she's not right but has no fever" as a reason to be seen.
• Poor feeding, unusual sleepiness, noticeably fewer wet nappies, repeated vomiting, or a change in her cry that persists.
• Crying that is inconsolable — hours, every day, worsening, or newly different from her baseline. Tell her doctor this plainly, along with feeds and wet nappies in the last 24 hours.
• Also worth raising at her next well-baby visit: her growth and feeding, and whether reflux or discomfort is worth looking into.

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What success looks like in 24 hours (no cures promised)

• The settle sheet is on the fridge and the cue log has 6+ entries with a note on what worked.
• He completes one 30-minute block start to finish, and one attempt where he gets to the relief call by design rather than by losing his temper.
• You two used the same 4 steps in the same order at least twice.
• He can say the one true thing out loud: *she's not rejecting me, and I don't have to be perfect at it to be her dad.* That's the confidence you're actually building.

My limits: I'm not diagnosing anything and I'm not changing or suggesting any dose, medicine or feed amount — anything medical goes to her doctor or an urgent care service. I also can't promise a calmer baby; some of this is a normal 3-month stretch that will also pass on its own. If you tell me her rough daily rhythm, who's usually home, and what a normal evening looks like, I'll tailor the sheet and the block times to your actual household.