My mother-in-law was caught drinking whi
Question
My mother-in-law was caught drinking while babysitting our babies. How do we set safe childcare boundaries and handle family gatherings? Real household: caregiver juggling school week and one elder or sibling nearby. Schedule: Sun; before the next family dinner. Kitchen/home right now: stopping her solo babysitting. Already tried: pretending it never happened. Please answer as a practical family-care guide: what to do next tonight/today, what to avoid, and a clear decision tree. Constraints: respect «No diagnosis, no medication changes»; no dosing kids/pets/elders yourself; no mystery powders or buying prescription meds online; keep steps screenshot-friendly under ~25 minutes where cooking/care applies. Structure your help as (1) what I already tried vs better alternatives, (2) constraints/avoid list, (3) red flags—when to stop DIY and get clinical/urgent help. Keep the voice concrete and kind for a tired caregiver; stay inside kitchen/home-care/communication levers only. Name what success looks like in 24 hours without promising cures. Avoid brand shopping lists; focus on routines, food already at home, and communication scripts caregivers can screenshot.
Answer
Tonight, only two things: confirm that neither baby was left alone or given anything to drink while she was drinking, and agree on the one sentence you and your partner will both say before Sunday's family dinner.
(1) What you already tried, and what works better
| What you did | The gap | Better next move |
|---|---|---|
| Pretended it never happened | The next babysitting slot gets decided by whoever is most tired or most polite at that moment — usually you. | Say it once, out loud, to your partner, before Sunday. A rule you can repeat in one sentence is worth more than a silence nobody has to keep. |
| Stopped her solo babysitting | Right call, keep it. But it doesn't cover her holding the children at the dinner while drinking, and it has no end point, so it turns into a silent grudge. | Make it a decision with a shape: "not on her own until we have talked about how it works." The what and how is yours; the drink itself is hers. |
| Nothing yet on the school-week cover | Your week still has the same gap this decision just opened. | Name a sober backup for the hours she was covering — one nearby adult or sibling for two fixed blocks a week, not "when you can." |
(2) Constraints and what to avoid
- Do not label her ("alcoholic," "problem drinker"). Name the behaviour and the rule for the children. Whether drinking is a health problem for her is something a doctor looks at, with her, not something you declare.
- No home sobering remedies and nothing bought online: no coffee, cold showers, vitamins, herbal "detox" powders, leftover pills, or anything bought from an online pharmacy. Time, food, water and rest are what do anything; alcohol leaves the body on its own.
- No dosing anyone — no medicine for her, the babies, pets or elders on your own judgement. Dose and drug questions belong to a doctor or pharmacist.
- Do not use the children as messengers and do not discuss it in front of them.
- Do not stage it at the family dinner. The rule is said before, briefly, in a calm room or on a call. The dinner is not the test.
- Do not make the dinner into a "let's see if she drinks" experiment.
- Do not let "she's family" or "she only had one glass" become the plan. The plan is: which sober adult is with the children.
- Do not swap the rule out for one day to keep the peace and then treat yourself as inconsistent later.
- Do not hand the children to her "just for twenty minutes" or "while she has one quick drink."
(3) Red flags — when to stop DIY and get help now
- If a baby may have swallowed alcohol, mouthwash, hand sanitiser, perfume, or anything unknown: call your local poison centre or emergency service now, and do not wait for symptoms to show. Do not make them vomit, do not give anything by mouth, do not put the baby to bed to sleep it off. Have the bottle and the time ready. In babies, alcohol can drop blood sugar and body temperature, and signs can lag behind the swallow — that is why this is a call-now and not a watch-it situation.
- If a baby right now is unusually sleepy, floppy, hard to wake, vomiting, wobbling, or not feeding: emergency services now.
- If a baby was left alone for a stretch of time: call the babies' clinic today and tell them plainly what happened and for how long. That is their call, not yours — but they need to hear it from you, not guess later.
- If the mother-in-law shows shaking, heavy sweating, vomiting, confusion, seeing things, or a fit: emergency services. That is medical, not a family argument.
- If she plans to drive with the children after drinking: the children stay with a sober adult, and she does not drive them. No negotiation on that one.
(4) Decision tree: who watches the kids
Q1 — Did any baby drink, or might a baby have drunk, anything?
- Yes, or you are not sure → Section (3) first item, right now.
- No → Q2.
Q2 — Was any baby left alone or unattended while she was drinking?
- Yes → call the clinic today, and keep solo childcare off the table until that is done.
- No → Q3.
Q3 — Can a sober adult be named for every childcare block for the next two weeks?
- Yes → proceed with the boundary and the scripts below.
- No → do not "make do" at the family dinner. Get the rota in place before Sunday.
Rota, five minutes. One row per block, one sober adult per row:
| Block | Sober adult | Where |
|---|---|---|
| After school, Tue–Thu | ___ | ___ |
| Friday | ___ | ___ |
| Weekend mornings | ___ | ___ |
Ask the one nearby adult or sibling for two fixed blocks a week, by name and by day.
(5) Lines you can screenshot
To your partner, first thing:
"Two things. Mom was drinking while she had the kids, so I've stopped her being on her own with them. I need us to say the same thing to her: the kids stay with a sober adult. Can you back me on that, and can we work out who covers the school-week blocks?"
If your partner downplays it:
"I hear you that it was nothing. I'm not arguing about that — I'm saying the children can't be with her alone after she's been drinking, and that's my call as their parent. Let's talk about who is sober when they are with us."
To her — ideally your partner or one of her siblings delivers this; if you do it, do it on a call or in person, never with the children in the room:
"Mom, when you had the children last time you had been drinking, so I've stopped you being on your own with them. That's not shaming you and it's not cutting you off — I still want you at Sunday's dinner. If you want to be with the kids, let's plan it so one of us is sober and there with you."
To the relative who'll do the asking:
"Could you tell Mom the kids can't be with her alone after drinking? If she pushes back, I'd rather not have her and me going back and forth."
At the dinner, in the moment:
"Mom, if you want a drink, let's do it after the kids are asleep."
"Mom, could you hold off until the kids go to bed? We'll open something then."
If she says "I only had one glass":
"I hear you, and I'm not questioning that. The rule's the same either way — the kids stay with a sober adult while she's drinking."
(6) Kitchen and home levers for Sunday
- Name the drink timing early, as a plan rather than a restriction: drinks after the kids are down. Say it once at the start of the evening, and have something non-alcoholic on the table too, so nobody is singled out.
- Keep the alcohol off the middle of the table and out of reach of anyone who might handle a cup and a baby in the same ten minutes.
- Cook the meal whose ingredients are already in your kitchen, so you are not cooking, managing the children and holding the conversation at the same time.
- Assign sober adults by window: name who is sober for the first stretch of dinner, and who takes over once the children are asleep.
- Put the feeding and changing gear in one place, so any sober adult can take over without a ten-minute handover.
- Write the rule on the fridge. Paper carries no tone.
(7) What success looks like in the next 24 hours
- One sentence, agreed by you and your partner, that either of you can say without thinking.
- Every childcare block until next week has a named sober adult. No blanks.
- Your partner has either said it to his mother, or told you plainly that he won't — so you know where you stand.
- The babies are confirmed fine, or a clinic has heard what happened.
- You have decided what the rule looks like at the next family dinner before you get there.
This is not a promise that she will change or that it will be easy. It is the next twenty-four hours of safety and clarity, and that part is in your hands.
This is a safety and communication plan, not a diagnosis, and it does not replace a doctor's judgement. No coverage I can add from here: whether the babies are actually well, and your local emergency and poison-centre numbers.
What I can't do from here: diagnose anyone, including whether her drinking is a medical condition, and choose or adjust any medicine for her, the babies, or anyone else — that is a doctor's or pharmacist's call. This covers home safety, the childcare rule and the words to say; it does not replace your clinic's advice about the babies.
One more thing I can't do from here: give you the exact local number. Tell me your country and city and I'll point you to the right poison centre and emergency line for where you are.