My wife was diagnosed with terminal canc

PASS. Here is the guide.

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Tonight, in about 25 minutes: write the eight questions for the Wednesday appointment, hand over one block of the week to the person nearby, and say the same four sentences to both children. This is home and communication guidance — not a diagnosis, and it does not replace her team.

1. What you have already tried × the version that costs less

2. Tonight — 25 minutes, three blocks

1. 8 min — the question sheet. Copy section 3 into your phone notes or onto one page. Decide who asks and who writes (the writer never drives).
2. 8 min — hand over one block. Elder or sibling nearby: one day, one hour, one task, sent as a message today (section 4).
3. 9 min — the children. One calm moment with each child, four lines, then normal bedtime. Write one line each: what they asked, so Wednesday can answer it.

3. The eight questions for the care team on Wednesday

Say them in this order. If they only have time for three, use 1, 4 and 6.

About the children

1. "What should we tell the children, and in what order? Is there someone on the team — a nurse, social worker or counsellor — who is used to talking with children about a parent who is very ill?"
2. "Can one of them talk to the children with us in the room, so the first explanation is not only from us?"
3. "If the school needs to know something so the children are supported, who should tell them and what exactly should be said?"

About support for the three of you

1. "Can palliative care be involved now, while she is still having treatment? Who refers, and who is our one named contact between visits — including at night?"
2. "What support exists for us as carers: home visits, a social worker, day or respite support, night services? What do we apply for, and by when?"
3. "What would make us phone you straight away, and what do we do at home if that happens at 2 a.m.?"

About the practical side

1. "What should we have ready at home now — equipment, her medicines organised in one place, who gives them — and who writes that list?"
2. "Which decisions should we put in order this month: her wishes about where care happens and who decides if she cannot, and who is the right professional for the paperwork where you are?"

> One sentence from the page behind this, checked 2026-11-11 (NHS, "What end of life care involves", page last reviewed 6 May 2026): "Palliative care is available when you first learn you have a life-limiting (terminal) illness" and it "involves psychological, social and spiritual support for you and your family or carers"; care can be at home, in a care home, hospice or hospital, "depending on your needs and preferences". That is the UK service model — ask her team for the equivalent where you are, and ask question 4 in those words.

At the end of the visit, ask one more: "What is the single thing we should do this week that makes the biggest difference for the children?"

4. Screenshot the words

To a young child (about 3–5)
> "Mummy's body is not working well. The doctors are helping her feel better. It's not something you did. You don't have to be brave and you don't have to do anything special. I'll tell you what I know. If you feel scared, come and tell me."

To a school-age child (about 6–12)
> "Mum is ill. It's serious, and it is not something you caused. The doctors are treating her and helping her feel better. I don't know exactly how long, so I won't promise you a date. I'll tell you what changes. You can ask me anything, at any time."

To a teenager
> "Mum is seriously ill. That's the truth, and you can ask me anything. I'm not going to give you a date I don't know. What do you want to know, and what do you want me to do differently this week?"

The four questions they will ask

• "Is it my fault?" → "No. Nobody causes this."
• "Will she die?" → "She is very ill. I don't know when. The people helping her are making sure she is not in pain. If she gets worse, I will tell you."
• "Will you still be here?" → "Yes. I will be here. And if I have to be away, [name] looks after you."
• "Can I help?" → "Yes — one thing: [take the bins out / feed the dog / call [name] on Sunday]. Not money, not medicine."

To the elder or sibling nearby (the block request)
> "This week I am handing over one thing: Thursday 19:00–21:00 — [set dinner and leave it ready] / [stay with the children while I take her to the hospital]. Nothing else. If that day does not work, tell me and I will find another option."

If they say no: "Okay, I will take it back tomorrow at 8."

To the school (one line — send it after the team tells you what they want shared)
> "[Child's name]'s mother is seriously ill. She is at home and [child] is in a stable routine. Please tell us if you see changes in mood, sleep or eating, and we will talk with you."

At the desk (30 seconds)
> "My wife is very ill, we have two children at home, and I am the main carer while the school week runs. I need two things today: how to talk to the children, and what support exists for us at home. Can we go through my list?"

To yourself
> "I am too tired to hold this well right now. Tonight I am doing one thing — the questions — and the rest moves to Wednesday."

5. Avoid this week

• No guessing at her prognosis at home, and no googling how long she has.
• No medicine changes: no doubling, no skipping, no sharing, no leftover pills from anyone else, no powders, herbal "miracle" blends or prescription medicines bought online. Her medicines go in one basket, out of the children's reach, and the clinician decides the list.
• No date promises to the children that you cannot keep, and no "if you are good, Mum gets better".
• The children are not messengers between adults, and they do not carry money, medicine or elder-care business.
• No big talk at bedtime or at the dinner table with everyone watching. Calm moment, then normal routine.
• No plan that needs you awake all night, and no shopping list — dinner from what is in the fridge, same dish for everyone, and you eat sitting down.

6. Decision tree

```
Is she having something NEW right now — breathing trouble, new confusion, pain she cannot
get relief from, bleeding, vomiting she cannot keep down, a fall?
├─ YES → stop the home plan: call the local emergency number now, or go to the emergency department now. Take her medicine boxes, her papers, and this page with you.
└─ NO → is anyone in the house in crisis — a child talking about self-harm, or you unable
to sleep or get out of bed for several nights running?
├─ YES → tell one adult tonight, keep the children with a safe adult, and get same-day or crisis help — call the local emergency number now if it cannot wait.
└─ NO → run the 25-minute plan; the questions go in the folder for Wednesday.

Do you know what to say to the children tonight?
├─ YES → say it (section 4), then normal bedtime.
└─ NO → say only this: "Mum is ill. The doctors are helping her. It is not your fault.
I will tell you more when I know more." That is enough for tonight.
```

7. Red flags — stop the DIY, get help

Her — emergency now: breathing difficulty · chest pain · collapse · new confusion or hard to wake · a seizure · heavy bleeding · a fall with a head knock · vomiting she cannot keep down with drowsiness · severe new abdominal pain.

Her — same day: pain she cannot get under control · fever · vomiting that will not stop · not drinking, much less urine, drowsy over a day or two · any new bleeding · a fall without obvious injury.

A child — emergency now: talks about or plans to hurt themselves · cannot be woken · a fit · breathing difficulty. Same day: school refusal · not sleeping or eating for several days · regression such as bedwetting or clinging · any mention of self-harm · stomach aches or headaches that only happen at home.

You — same day: several nights without sleep · not eating · cannot get out of bed · constant dread · crying that will not stop · any thought of harming yourself. Tell one person tonight, ask the team for a carer-support contact and a respite block, and do not stay alone with it.

While waiting or travelling: say what she is normally like and exactly when that changed · take her medicine boxes in their real containers · give nothing by mouth to someone drowsy or confused · bring glasses and hearing aids. A medicine swallowed by mistake is an emergency: call the local emergency number or the poison centre now, and bring the packaging with you. Do not make the child vomit.

8. Success in 24 hours (no cures promised)

• The eight questions are written down and in the folder.
• One block has been handed over, and you have a reply.
• Both children heard the same words, from one adult, today.
• One line written for each child: what they asked — so Wednesday can answer it.
• Her medicines are in one basket, out of the children's reach.
• You ate a meal sitting down and got 4–5 hours of sleep.

Success tonight is not her getting better. That is not promised, and it is not what tonight is for.

9. Two things I still need from you

1. Your city and country — then I can give you the exact local emergency number, the nearest palliative or hospice door, and the night-time route for the day you need it. (Numbers differ by country, and I will not guess yours.)
2. If the Wednesday appointment is not this week, the date — and say "remind me the night before" and I will set a phone reminder to pack the folder.

And here is the printable version — one page with the eight questions and the scripts, to take to the appointment or screenshot: wednesday-questions-onepager-33d5d319.pdf

Source: nhs-conditions https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/end-of-life-care/what-it-involves-and-when-it-starts/