Our kids still end up in our bed most ni

Short answer: for kids past the baby stage, sharing your bed isn't the danger most parents fear — the real costs are your own sleep, your child's learned dependence on you to fall back asleep, and the nightly fight. And the one thing to drop right now is the locked door: a sudden hard stop is exactly what turns a soft habit into a battle every night.

You already have the right shape in the room — a floor mattress beside your bed is an *own sleep space in the same room*, which is the destination, not the failure. The work is making it a place they want to be, and making the sequence boringly predictable.

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1) What you tried vs. what works better

Bedtime chain (same order, most nights — ~10 minutes): screens off ~1 hour before → pyjamas → teeth → one or two paper books → mattress. Screens off matters more than you think; a lit screen buys you a battle you can't win at 9 p.m.

Two-week shape:

• Nights 1–7: child sleeps on the floor mattress, same room, your presence fading (you sit, then stand in the doorway, then leave).
• Nights 8–14: if mornings are the problem (child ends up in your bed at 5 a.m.), move the mattress *further* from your bed — one change at a time. Don't change bedtime and mattress and wake time all at once.

Wake time is the anchor most families forget: keep weekday and weekend wake times within about an hour of each other. A stable morning does more for tonight than any bedtime trick.

Sleep hours worth aiming at (not a target you enforce): 3–5 yrs 10–13 h · 6–12 yrs 9–12 h · 13–18 yrs 8–10 h per 24 h, naps included for the younger ones.
Source: AASM 2016 consensus (Paruthi et al., endorsed by AAP) via PMC4877308 · accessed 2026-09-02

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2) Constraints and the avoid list

Don't:

• Lock the door, block the exit, or physically drag/carrying a screaming child. A locked door is the one move that turns a habit into a nightly fight and can leave a child locked in with a panic. (And a child locked in a room at night is a safeguarding worry, not a parenting tactic.)
• Remove the mattress abruptly. They need the sleep space to exist for this to work. If the mattress on the floor is not being used, fix the mattress (firm, flat, a sheet, one comfort item, a nightlight if the room is dark), not the child's willingness.
• Use the bedroom or the mattress as a punishment, or make it conditional ("no story unless you sleep in your own bed"). The room has to predict sleep, not punishment — that's a rule for the grown-ups, not the child.
• Bargain with sweets or new toys every night. One calm, unchanging answer beats a nightly negotiation.
• Give or suggest any medicine for a child's sleep — melatonin, "sleep supplements", powders, anything bought online. If someone proposes it, that's a pediatrician or pharmacist decision; I won't set a dose for a child, and neither should a well-meaning relative.
• Let the plan depend on one adult being perfectly consistent. Pick the caregiver who can hold the line and keep the script identical; give the other adult the job of *not negotiating at bedtime*. That's the load-bearing split for a household juggling a school week.

Safety, if a baby is also in the picture (under 2, or under 2.5 kg, or premature): different rules apply — own cot/Moses basket, on the back, firm flat surface, same room but not the same bed; no pillows, duvets or soft toys; keep bedding away from the baby's head; no other children or pets in the bed; never a sofa or armchair. And bed-sharing is not safe if the adult has been smoking, drinking alcohol, or taking anything that makes them drowsy. If you feel you might drift off while settling a baby, put the baby in their own space *first*.
Source: NHS safer sleep advice for babies (nhs.uk) · accessed 2026-10-26 · and NHS/Lullaby Trust via the skill's safe-sleep card

Your floor mattress, specifically: firm and flat, not sagging; placed so the child isn't in a crevice against the wall or the bed frame; no loose blankets or pillows for a young child; and if the bed is tall enough to roll off, that edge matters more than anything else on this list.

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3) Decision tree

```
Is anyone in the bed under 2 years, under 2.5 kg, or premature?
├─ YES → own cot, on the back, firm flat, same room not same bed.
│ Never sofa/armchair. No bed-share if an adult smoked, drank,
│ or took anything drowsy. (Ask your pediatrician — not me.)
└─ NO → child is past the baby stage
│
├─ Child fights hard, but settles once on the floor mattress?
│ → Normal habit training. Keep the same script every night.
│ Fade your presence over 5–7 nights. Keep the mattress.
│
├─ Child settles only if a grown-up is in the bed?
│ → That's the sleep association doing the work, not defiance.
│ Move "falling asleep" toward "already on the mattress, drowsy":
│ sit on the floor, story on the mattress, adult leaves.
│
├─ Child is calm and asleep in own space but drifts to your bed
│ at 3–5 a.m.?
│ → Don't fight it at 3 a.m. Move the mattress further away
│ for a week. Change one thing at a time.
│
├─ Child is angry, hitting, or the pattern changed suddenly
│ (after a move, a new sibling, school trouble, a nightmare)?
│ → Don't escalate the plan. Bring it up with their teacher or
│ pediatrician alongside the routine.
│
└─ Any red flag below? → Stop DIY, get clinical help.
```

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4) Red flags — when to stop DIY and get help

Stop the coaching and get a clinician (same day or urgent) if you notice:

• A child who turns blue in sleep, stops breathing, or snores with gaps and gasping — this is not a routine or a mattress question.
• Chest pain or coughing blood in an adult.
• Falling asleep while driving, at work, or mid-conversation after "enough" hours in bed — that is a stop, not a coffee problem.
• Weeks of daytime collapse — falling behind at school, losing skills they had, or you cannot function.
• Any night an adult is so exhausted they might fall asleep on the sofa with a baby — put the baby down in their own space first, every time.
• You cannot keep going. If that sentence is true tonight: please call your local emergency number or go to the nearest emergency department, and ask one person to sit with you tonight — I can't give you a number from memory, and I don't know your country, but I can help you find the right one. I'm putting the sleep plan down for now; say the word and I'll pick it back up when you're safe.

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5) What success looks like in 24 hours (no promises)

Tonight counts as day 1 if: your child fell asleep on their own mattress at least once — *or* the bedtime fight was shorter and nobody was locked behind a door. Either is real progress.

The realistic target: most nights asleep in their own space by the second check-in within 5–7 nights, and one unbroken stretch for you of a few hours. Nobody promises a clean break, and a bad night doesn't reset the count — keep the script, don't change the plan on a hard night.

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6) Scripts to screenshot

At bedtime (say it the same words every night):
> "It's bedtime. Pajamas, teeth, one book on your mattress. Then I sit here for five minutes, then goodnight — I'm right next door."

When they come back (short, warm, non-negotiable):
> "You're allowed one cuddle. Then back to your mattress — I'll be right here. Goodnight."

To the other caregiver:
> "Same script, every night: door open, one story, one water, one hug, then goodnight. If they come back, we both say the same thing and we don't negotiate in bed. Whoever's on early gets the settling duty."

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This week: record, not clinic

This is a week to record, not a week to see a clinician (unless something in the red-flag list appears). Keep one line per night for 7 nights: *date · who fell asleep where · how many check-ins · how long to settle · wake time*. Reply me that line each morning and I'll keep the log tidy for you.

One thing I couldn't set: the Monday bedtime wind-down reminder was not created — your account's timer list is already full (20 active items). Tell me your real bedtime and I'll add it as soon as a slot frees up, or clear one of the existing ones first.

Hand off — who decides: the duration targets, the "is this a sleep problem or a habit" call, and any medicine or supplement decision belong to your pediatrician or pharmacist; whether this child needs a sleep study or a night-time assessment also belongs to them. I'm staying inside routines, the room, food already at home, and the words you say at the door — and I'll bring you the log, the scripts, and the decision tree.

Sources: NHS safer sleep advice for babies (nhs.uk) · accessed 2026-10-26 · AASM 2016 sleep duration consensus (Paruthi et al., PMC4877308) · accessed 2026-09-02 · NHS "fall asleep faster and sleep better" and NHLBI healthy sleep habits · accessed 2026-09-02 (both via the skill's wind-down and hygiene cards).