Dad cancelled the memory tests we booked

Dad and the memory appointment — reopening it without forcing him

Tonight: one call to the clinic, one calm kitchen conversation after dinner, one line written down. Nothing is decided in the kitchen, and no medicine changes.

I can't tell you what any of this is — that is the clinic's job. This is not a diagnosis and not a substitute for the clinic. But the referral is still alive if you hold it from your side, and you do not need him to agree today to keep it alive.

1. What you already tried vs. what works better

2. Tonight — three blocks, about 25 minutes

① 10 min — the call to the clinic (do it before the school run, not after).
Use the number on his booking letter. Ask what the visit involves and how long it takes; ask him to bring his glasses, hearing aids and a list of his medicines; ask for a slot that does not collide with the school run — mid-morning after drop-off, or mid-afternoon; and ask whether a home visit is possible if he will not travel. Write the answers down.

② 10 min — the kitchen conversation, after dinner.
Side by side, not across a table. While you wash up or make tea, not while he is tired, hungry or cross. One ask, one time. Not a three-way talk with Mum in the room, and not a quiz.

③ 5 min — one line in the notebook.
Date, what he ate and drank, and one thing he said or did that seemed off. That is not a test — it is exactly the family history the assessment asks for.

3. Copy-paste lines (screenshot this part)

A. Dad — the first ask (calm, one time)
"Dad, I booked a check-up for you — for your memory and for your medicines. It's not a test you can fail. They ask you the same questions each time, they check your blood and your tablets too, and nothing is decided in one visit. I'll come with you, and if you want to leave, we leave."

B. If he says no — ask one question, don't argue
"Okay, I'm not going to push you today. Can I ask one thing: is it the questions, the going out, or being told what they think? Whatever it is, we can sort that part out."

• If it's the questions: "They're short, they're the same ones each time, and you can say you need a break. I'll sit with you the whole way."
• If it's being labelled: "They look for the causes too — thyroid, blood, tablets, hearing. Nobody's verdict is written before they meet you."
• If it's the going out: "Then let's find a time that suits you, or ask if they can come to the house."

C. If he goes quiet (common, and not a refusal yet)
"You don't have to answer now. I'll ask you again on Sunday. Either way, I'm going to ring the clinic so the slot stays open."

D. The clinic — the call you make
"Hello, Dad's appointment was on Friday and he cancelled. He hasn't refused care — he was anxious about it. Can we book a new date that I can come with him, and can you tell me what the visit involves and what he should bring? If he won't travel, is a home visit possible?"

E. The clinic — if he won't discuss it with you
"He won't talk to me about it, which I understand. Could you and I speak about what the visit involves and what he should expect, so you can explain it to him in a way he'll accept? I'd rather he heard it from you."

F. The sibling or relative nearby — one specific block
"I need one thing this week: on the day of the appointment, could you take Dad and sit with him, and cover the school run that morning? That's it. If that day doesn't work, say so — I'll ask the clinic for a different slot and find another way."

G. Mum
"I'm handling the clinic part. You don't have to push him, and you don't have to be the one who talks to them. Tell me one thing that worried you today and I'll write it down."

H. To yourself
"Tonight I can't do everything. I'm doing one call and one conversation; the rest moves to tomorrow."

4. Decision tree

```
Tonight: one calm ask after dinner.
├─ He says yes ──► ring the clinic tomorrow morning, book the slot you can attend,
│ write it in the calendar, tell him the date out loud.
├─ He says no but names the worry ──► answer only that worry (line B), then leave it.
│ Ask again later, not the same evening.
├─ He says no and won't say why ──► don't push. Ring the clinic anyway, ask for a
│ home visit, and keep the notes going (line E).
└─ Something acute instead ──► stop the conversation and use the red flags below.
```

5. Kitchen and home levers this week

• Keep the anchor the same: same seat, same mealtime, one instruction at a time ("Dad, come eat"). Familiar routine is what steadies a person whose memory is changing.
• Cook what is already in the house — noodles, rice, eggs, soup, whatever there is. Food is not a reward or a test. Put a glass of water within reach at every meal; dehydration shows up as confusion and can be fixed.
• Keep the one-line note going: date, food and drink, one thing he said. The assessment takes a history from the person and from someone who knows them well.
• Make the house easier without making it feel like a hospital: labels on cupboards and the kettle, one calendar with the date and the day's plan in big letters, good light at the table, hearing aids and glasses ready and on him, one written note by the phone.
• Let the clinic do the testing. No surprise quizzes at home, no quizzing him in front of Mum.
• Nothing new to buy, no new routine, no new rules this week.

6. Do not

• No medicine changes: nothing started, stopped, halved, split or "given a bit extra". No powders, no supplements, nothing bought online for this.
• No home readings (blood pressure, sugar, weight) turned into a decision.
• No argument about whether he is right: answer once, kindly, then move on.
• No three-way talk with Mum in the room; no child made the messenger between adults.
• No food used as reward or punishment; no shopping list expansion today.
• No promise that the results will be good, that this can be undone, or that it will be fine.
• No bringing up the appointment when he's exhausted, hungry, or with guests in the house.

7. Red flags — stop the home approach and get help

Tonight, emergency: call your local emergency number now if he is hard to wake, has chest pain, trouble breathing, one-sided weakness or slurred speech, has a fit, or has a bad fall and can't get up. Anyone shoving, grabbing or threatening him → separate them, keep another adult in the house, and get help if someone is hurt.

Today, a clinician (not tonight's home work):

• New or different confusion — muddled, doesn't know the place, unusually sleepy or agitated — especially a change over hours or days. That is not "just dementia" and not "just old age": infection, dehydration, pain, constipation or a medicine effect can look exactly like this.
• Eating or drinking much less, or urinating much less.
• A fall or a knock to the head — tell them how long he was on the floor.
• Swallowed the wrong thing → clinician or pharmacist, not you.

This week:

• Mum: several nights without sleep, not eating, can't stop crying, "only I can", or any thought of harming herself or Dad → contact her own doctor or a carer support service today, and don't leave her alone with Dad.
• You: no sleep for several nights, constant dread, or your body is not coping → your own doctor this week, and tell one person the truth.

8. Success in 24 hours (no cures promised)

1. The clinic call made — a new date, a home-visit question, or both.
2. One calm conversation where the topic came up once and nobody argued.
3. One line written down: date, what he ate and drank, one thing he said.
4. One specific request sent to the sibling nearby, with a day attached.
5. A shared meal, Dad in his usual seat, and you ate too.
6. One night with some sleep — aim for four or five hours, and count that as a win.

You are not asking him to accept a diagnosis. You are asking for a check-up and keeping the door open. That is a smaller thing to say out loud, and it is the one that works.

(One NHS dementia assessment pathway I checked today — Friday 6 November 2026 — describes the first visit as a history from him and from someone who knows him well, a physical check and blood or urine tests to look for treatable or contributing causes, then brief structured cognitive testing that gives a baseline for repeat testing, with possible outcomes listed as no dementia diagnosis, referral back later, or a confirmed diagnosis. Your own clinic will do its own version of this; this is what to ask them about.)

A printable one-page version for the fridge: dad-memory-appointment-onepager-829c0e62.pdf